Monday, July 07, 2008

The Sword

"I need a sword, something suitable for cutting someone's head off. Something like the cutlasses you see in old pirate films."

Carmilla had required me to obtain a variety of items, but never anything like this. Somebody was in for an unhappy ending, again.

I found what she wanted in an antique shop, and after sunset took it round to the mansion, and into Carmilla's empty office. I unwrapped it and took it out of its box, waved it about a bit and went, "Arrrr!"

"Is it sharp?"

I jumped. Carmilla was standing behind me, apparently without having opened or closed the door. I turned to face her and tried to think about the business in hand, rather than about her.

"You asked for something that would take a human head off. I used the knife sharpening thingy in my kitchen to give it a good edge. With your strength, you should have no problem." I handed the sword to her.

"Stand up straight, hold your head up. I need to practice."

I did as she asked. So this was how it ended. After all the time and effort that had gone into bringing me up, educating me, emptying my dustbins, I was to die so that Carmilla could practice with her new weapon. At least I would not become like her.

I thought about closing my eyes, but preferred not to spend my last few seconds staring at my eyelids. My brain would be dead in about four minutes, but I would lose consciousness sooner than that. I would probably be aware of my head rolling across the carpet. Would I be able to watch Carmilla drinking from the part of my neck which was still attached to my trunk? It would be just my luck to die face down or pointing in the wrong direction.

Carmilla weighed the sword in her hand.

"I chose you because you did not care. I seem to have chosen wisely. You would stand there and let me cut your head off. No pleading? No running away?"

If I said the wrong thing, she might actually do it.

"I'm not very keen on the idea."

Carmilla put the sword down on her desk.

"I was just joking with you. Just my wicked sense of humour. Go now and bring me a drunk woman. Make sure that she is very drunk, but still able to walk about. I am being serious now."

This was unusual. Carmilla and her kind liked to find people for themselves; she had never before asked me to bring anyone to the mansion. The job was full of surprises.

I checked my watch. Slander would be open, and quite full. I was wearing an expensive suit, I was very clean and well groomed. I was a bit overdressed, but I could go straight there.

For a few years I had been a regular at Slander nightclub. I had gone there mainly for a laugh with my mates, to get drunk, enjoy the music, to have a dance. Only occasionally had I picked up women there, but I knew what was required: stay sober, be confident, let them see what a nice person you are, don't put on a smile deliberately, but relax and be happy.

A couple of alcohol-free lagers later, I saw a woman studying me, went over and bought her a drink, and then bought her some more. We sent her mate home in a taxi and took another taxi to the mansion. I took Christine into the big drawing room and over to the drinks cabinet.

"I'm impressed," said Christine. "Do you own all this?"

"He works here," said Carmilla from behind us. She had performed her appearing trick again.

"No threesomes," said Christine. She pulled out her mobile phone. "I'm going home."

Carmilla fixed her with her big, dark, beautiful eyes and said, "There is someone upstairs you should meet."

Christine put her mobile phone away.

Doctor Friend was upstairs in one of the main bedrooms, wearing a suit which made mine look cheap and fashionable.

"A treat tonight," said Carmilla. "You play with this," she propelled Christine towards Doctor Friend, "And I play with this." She put her arms around me.

Doctor Friend grabbed Christine and, without preamble, bit her neck. There was that horrible butcher's noise again. I braced myself for the same treatment.

Instead of the expected grab and stab, Carmilla gently placed her lips to my neck and kissed it. She was going to drain my life, make me like herself, but the evil bitch was going to torment me first.

Eventually, I heard Christine fall to the floor.

"Haven't you started yet? Stop playing with your food."

Carmilla released me, pushed me onto the bed, leaned over me, pulled the sword from under the pillow, whirled round and took Doctor Friend's head off with a single blow. She was using his torso as a drinking fountain before it had time to hit the floor. His head was absolutely furious, briefly.

When she had finished, Carmilla said, "Office politics. You may go now."

I worked out that the alcohol in Christine's blood had slowed Doctor Friend's reactions enough for Carmilla to be able to decapitate him.

It nearly put me off drinking... alcohol. Nearly.

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