Slander

Carmilla gave me a night off. Since the destruction of Doctor Friend, Carmilla had taken control of Romania Import-Export Limited. She was a brilliant businesswoman. Everything was running very smoothly. I had quite a lot of legitimate personal assisting to do, and I found I was very good at it. She was paying me several times more than I had ever earned before.

So I had a free night. After what I had done and seen recently, I could not settle down to read a book or watch television. I was single and most of my friends were dead. Those who survived were safer without contact from me. I would go out and get drunk, alone.

My membership of Slander had long since lapsed, so I had to pay a couple of quid at the door. I stood near the busy dancefloor with my pint on a handy ledge, not enjoying the very loud music as I once had, and watching the crowd.

Two bottle blondes came in, rather more charismatic and glamorous then everyone else. They stood next to the DJ's little fortress, then the smaller of the two wandered over and stood next to me.

It had not been my intention to pick up a woman, but there was no harm in talking to her.

"Good evening," I shouted over the music.

She leaned up and put her mouth to my ear.

"Do you fancy a threesome?" she asked.

I was somewhat taken aback, but if this sort of thing amused them... better to be sure of something first, though.

"What, you and your mate?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Come on, we'll make sure she thinks you're all right."

We went across to her friend.

"I've found one."

Her friend turned to look at us. I recognised her. She was a lot paler; her lips were redder; she was thinner. Her hair had been a more natural colour. It was Christine. The last time I had seen her, Doctor Friend had been sucking the life from her.

I took a closer look at the woman who had approached me. Her appearance had similarly changed, but she was the woman with the crossbow whom Carmilla had bled.

"Can you satisfy both of us?" asked Christine.

"Er, no. I don't think so. Thanks for the offer."

I walked away and found somewhere to stand out of sight of the two of them. They surely both remembered me. They must have been hunting, and instead of leaving with a relatively innocent bloke or two, they tried to take me. I hoped it was just their little joke, and that they did not hold a grudge.

In the old days, I would have walked home, but this time I took a taxi. I was very drunk, but still lucid.

While I was paying the taxi driver, a car containing two blondes drove past.

Once inside, I didn't go to bed, but used the phone, then drank water and waited. Sure enough, a few minutes later, the two blondes walked into the room. They had not yet mastered Carmilla's ability to appear as if from nowhere.

"What shall we do to him first, Tracy?" asked Christine.

"I'm still trying to think of something nasty enough," said Tracy. "He shot one of the finest men who ever lived in the back of the head, then stood gawping at me while Carmilla drained me dry."

"Yeah," said Christine. "And he got me drunk and lured me to the mansion. He destroyed my life just to get Doctor Friend tipsy. We could start by breaking all his fingers, one at a time."

"Do anything you like," I said, "But don't throw me in the briar patch."

"What?" They both looked at me as if I'd gone insane.

"Brer Rabbit," I said. "Uncle Rebus. Remus."

"Before our time," said Tracy.

Christine's head flew across the room and hit the far wall, looking surprised. Carmilla's foot connected with Tracy's jaw with a horrible crack.

Carmilla prevented the blood spurting from Christine's trunk from further ruining my carpet. When she had finished, she said, "Do not make a habit of this."

"I won't," I said. "No more nightclubs for me. Is Tracy unconscious?"

"I am saving her for later. I am not a glutton."

The considerable amount of beer I had drunk loosened my tongue and my thought processes.

"Thank you for saving me. I love you."

"I love you; you're my mate," she slurred, mockingly. Then her expression changed.

"I know. And you hate me too. You mean nothing at all to me. Nothing."

"I thought as much."

Some blokes from the security staff of the mansion came in and removed Tracy and both parts of Christine. When they had gone, we were silent for a moment.

"You know the epigram," Carmilla said. "Life is a bitch, and so am I."

I took a sip of water. She was gone.

Next day, the gates of the mansion were locked. The place was deserted. I found two years' salary in my account. I'd been on a two year rolling contract. Romania Import-Export Limited had moved its headquarters to our office in Bermuda. I was redundant, but alive.

Wherever I go in future, I will never go to Bermuda.